this adult life

it's a boy!

2008-01-11T14:09:00.000-05:00

What else can I say...we have penis (next to the arrow).

my day...or at least a close approximation of it so far

2007-12-20T13:56:00.000-05:00

6:45 am My alarm goes off.

6:46 am The cat goes off because he wants his breakfast RIGHT NOW!

6:47-6:59 am Attempt to decide what to wear to work although it is an exercise in futility due to the fact that I am over 4 months preggers now and have about 6 things that I can wear to work. Come next week, my "fat girl" jeans that lurk in the back of every woman's closet will no longer fit bringing the number to 5.

7:00 am Watch the news on Good Morning America.

7:10 am Watch the local weather.

7:15 am Get up, shuffle in to bathroom to pee, wash my face, put in my contacts, pee again.

7:30 am Pull jeans out of dryer that I washed last night because they are what I'll be living in for the next week. See above.

7:35 am Shave legs which is becoming a challenge because when I bend over I can't breathe so well even this early in the game.

7:48 am Pee. Again.

7:50 am Put on make up.

7:55 am Fix hair.

8:04 am Pee.

8:05 am Eat breakfast. A lovely bowl of Fruity Cheerios. Good for me and baby.

8:15 am Give milk dregs from cereal bowl to cat.

8:16 am Pee.

8:18 am Brush teeth.

8:20 am Leave for work.

8:30 am Get to work.

8:31 am Pee.

The next five and a half hours are filled with Museum type things interspersed with a trip to the bathroom to pee every 30 minutes or so.

a christmas list

2007-12-18T10:14:00.000-05:00

1. Wrapping or gift bags?

I like to wrap in boxes. It looks more festive under the tree.

2. Real or artificial tree?

Artificial. I worry about a real tree going up in flames. Plus the added Cat Factor. The tree sometimes angers him. See above photo.

3. When do you put up the tree?

Hubs always makes me wait until the weekend after Thanksgiving.

4. When do you take the tree down?

Usually the weekend after New Years.

5. Do you like eggnog?

When I’m not pregnant yes. Right now, God NO!

6. Favorite gift received as a child?

Probably the Barbie Dream House. Even Melody Carroll didn’t have one of those.

7. Do you have a nativity scene?

No.

8. Worst Christmas gift you ever received?

I can’t really think of anything.

9. Mail or email Christmas cards?

Normally, mail. But I’m a little off schedule this year.

10. Favorite Christmas movie?

It’s a tie…The Christmas Story, White Christmas and Christmas Vacation.

11. When do you start shopping for Christmas?

December 26th. I stockpile.

12. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?

Shyam's Christmas fudge.

13. Clear lights or colored?

Clear but the bubble lights on my tree are colored.

14. Favorite Christmas song?

White Christmas.

15. Travel at Christmas or stay at home?

We go between hubs parents house and my Mom’s house.

16. Can you name all of Santa’s reindeer?

DacerDancerPranceVixenCometCupidDonerBlitzenRudolph.

17. Angel or star on the top of your tree?

A star that’s been in the family for at least 25 years.

18. Open your presents Christmas Eve or Christmas morning?

Christmas eve.

19. Most annoying thing about this time of year?

Traffic and people.

20. What do you leave for Santa?

He gets free run of the kitchen to help himself.

21. Least favorite holiday song?

It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas.

22. Do you decorate your tree with any specific theme or color?

Sparkly.

23. Favorite ornament?

My little blue mouse that has been in the same spot on my tree for as long as I can remember.

tiny bubbles

2007-12-18T09:30:00.000-05:00

Well! Talk about a dramatic shift in moods yesterday. I was having a shitty Sunday night and Monday morning. I was pissed that 97% of my clothes don't fit and that I have to spend A LOT of time planning what I'm going to wear even if it's just to go to the grocery store because NOTHING FITS! And to top it all off I had a HUGE headache and felt like crap and didn't have the energy to do the things that I normally do that allows us not to live in a pigpen. Dishes in the sink, the floor needed vacuuming, presents to wrap, the towels needed to be done and there were no grocery's. And hubs was out of commission because he was sick. I just felt like emotional shit yesterday. And THEN I felt the baby move at 6:45pm last night. OH MY GOD! That is the biggest adrenaline rush I've ever had. It was so cool! It felt like bubbles popping in my stomach. It sounds stupid, because I've had about 6 positive pregnancy tests, and I SAW the baby move on the ultrasound and have heard the baby's heartbeat like 3 times now but this makes it so real. And no. I'm not going soft.

i'm not nuts....i'm "glowing"

2007-12-12T13:40:00.000-05:00

My best friend in the world because she says she puts up with all my crazy shit tagged me with this today. But I contend that it's not crazy it's "glowing". I mean, anyone could want a cookie one minute and then decide 2 minutes later that they don't. Really!

things i can no longer do...at least for another 6 months

2007-11-21T08:57:00.001-05:00

In no particular order....

1. Drink (although I don't really drink).
2. Smoke ( and I don't smoke).
3. Wear either of my two favorite dresses...the brown taffeta Banana Republic that's so very practical because it has pockets and my black and white B. Moss.
4. Curl up into a tight little ball as I watch a movie on my sofa with my afghan and cat. Sort of impedes that whole breathing thing a little.
5. Listen to opera. Especially La Bohem.
6. Stay awake past 9:15 pm.
7. Eat cottage cheese. Or look at cottage cheese. Or smell cottage cheese. Or even think about cottage cheese. In fact I'm done with cottage cheese all together.
8. Sleep on my stomach.
9. Clean the litter box (not really missing this one).
10. And by next week, button my jeans.

a comentary on my present state...as stated by my bestfriend

2007-11-20T09:39:00.000-05:00

New underwear, new pants, new shirts, new dresses, new vagina... the list is endless.

50 Questions

2007-11-15T14:02:00.000-05:00

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
“Who would have though being pregnant would make my skin so oily.”

2. How much cash do you have on you?
$26 and some change.

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
More.

4. Favorite planet?
Saturn. I like rings.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Shyam.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
The jazz song. I don’t know what it’s called.

7. What shirt are you wearing?
Blue sweater.

8. Do you label yourself?
Yes.

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?
Mia.

10. Bright or Dark Room?
Drapes closed with lights on. So it’s all warm and snuggly.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
I don’t know who took this survey before me was.

12. What does your watch look like?
Black patent leather watch, square silver face with Pussyfoot from Bugs Bunny on it.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping.

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
Something from my cell phone provider.

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?
Right now, about ½ mile down the road.

16. What's a word that you say a lot?
Seriously.

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?
My husband.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
My cats, Dr. Jones and Omen. In that order.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
None. Unless you count the Pepsi I had last night, which is as close to a drug that I’m allowed now that I’m knocked up.

20. How many rolls of film do you need developed?
None. I have a digital camera. But I do have a shit load of pictures to print.

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
12.

22. Your worst enemy?
The list is too long. Really. I have a “Shit List.” And I’d have to kill you if I told you any of them.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
My cats, Omen and Dr. Jones.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
”Travis what are you eating?”

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
To be able to fly, because I could so market that and get more than a million bucks.

26. Do you like someone?
I like about 6 people.

27. The last song you listened to?
Someone To Watch Over Me.

28. What time of day were you born?
1:57 am

29. What’s your favorite number?3

30. Where did you live in 1987?
In Athens, at my Mothers house. Hey, I was 11.

31. Are you jealous of anyone?
Not anymore. Well, maybe Shyam. I bet she has a good answer to number 19.

32. Is anyone jealous of you?
I don’t think so.

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?
I was in my bathroom brushing my teeth, as I got ready for work.

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
Kick it. And yell. And push the buttons a bunch.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?
To a few VERY select people. And then only if they’re not being dumbasses.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
I’m too old to get a tattoo.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
Italian.

38. Would you move for the person you loved?
Maybe.

39. Are you touchy feely?
GOD NO! But evidently everyone thinks that I am now that I’m pregnant.

40. What’s your life motto?
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday and all is well.

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Well, for the next 199 days, the baby, my Palm and Kleenex.

42. What’s your favorite town/city?
Denial.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Butter.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
Last week.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?
No.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Well, I married my first love so this doesn’t count.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?
I only know that we might be Gypsy bastards.

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
Last week for the hoity toity fund raiser at the Museum.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Not hurt but how about nauseas.

50. Have you been burned by love?
Yes.

gestational periods of mammals: a sampling

2007-11-07T16:45:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in while because, well, because I've been napping. Or peeing. Or eating. Or throwing up. Really. But here are a few numbers I looked up just to keep things in perspective.

Dogs: 9 weeks

Cats: 9 weeks

Fox: 9 weeks

Groundhog: 5 weeks

Hamster: 2.5 weeks

Squirrel: 7 weeks

Bears: around 30 weeks

A whale: More than a year!

Monkey: 20- 40 weeks (depends on specie) - but we should note that monkeys come out able to do stuff, unlike human babies who are pretty helpless, to tell you the truth.

Snowshoe hare: around 6 weeks

Bottle nosed dolphin: 47 weeks

Tiger: around 15 weeks

Indian elephant: 89 weeks!

Zebra: 52 weeks

Camel: 58 weeks

Rhinoceros: 77 weeks!

Puma: 13 weeks

Mouse: 37 weeks

Armadillo: 37 weeks

Hedgehog: 42 weeks

Me: 40 weeks

I've gotten through almost 11 of those weeks. As my personal pregnancy calendar from babyzone reminded me today I only have" 206 more days!" yeah. 206 more days.

Meme

2007-10-10T13:19:00.000-04:00

My best friend http://www.southernmartyr.blogspot.com/ called me out. So here it is in no particular order. And please keep in mind that my brain is thinking for two now so I cannot be held accountable for my choices at the moment. But at least its not New Kids on the Block!

What music are your currently grooving too?

Pandora's playing Peroxide Swing by Micheal Buble at the moment.

What, if push comes to shove, is your all time favorite album?
Good Booty, Tom Petty. I can thank the martyr for introducing me to Tom when I was still young and impressionable. Impressionable. I'm still young. Mmmmm and Johnny Depp too!

What was the first record you ever bought? And where did you buy it?
Karma Chameleon, Culture Club. And I bought it a Roses.

Which musician have you ever wanted to be?
Diana Krall. She has the best voice. That voice could get anything it wants. I wanted to post her version of "I've Got You Under My Skin" but couldn't find the link but here's the convoluted link.

www.youtube/watch?v=64kasmZVZLs

Which musician have you ever wanted to be with?
Mmmmmmmmmmmm, Nuno. Pay no attention to the Gary Cherone in this clip. Bad Gary.

What do you sing in the shower?
Lately its been Walk of Life by Dire Straits, but its been the Shooter Jennings versions. Here's the link.

www.cmt.com/videos/shooter-jennings/174154/walk-of-life.jhtml

What is your favorite Saturday night record?
Electric Rodeo by Shooter Jennings. For a greasy little red neck boy, he's hot. And KICKS ASS in concert!

And your Sunday morning record?
Not sure what this means, but I'm going with what just gets me going and that would be a song instead of a whole album.
Feeling' Good, Michael Buble.

And one that I'm going to add,
What do you clean house too?
Long Black Veil, the Chieftains.

And that's it. bitch.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2007-10-08T09:29:00.000-04:00

Oh my god! Who would have thought growing a tiny human being inside you would exhaust a person so much. Do you know what time I've gone to be for the last three nights.....I haven't made it past 9:30 once this weekend! I am so freakin' tired. But this isn't bitching. I promised myself along time ago that if I got lucky enough to be a Mommy some day that I would take all in stride because at the end, I got a baby. This is just a commentary on the situation at hand so far. Also, I have to force myself to eat breakfast in the morning which is weird for me. Normally, I LOVE waffles in the morning. Now, bleech! I also have this odd sensation that I only get when I've been drinking, like I can't feel my lips very well. But mainly it's the tired thing I've got going. How bad would it look if I took a nap under my desk?

"Knocked Up"....now more than just a movie title

2007-10-05T16:28:00.000-04:00

Well, we've finally gone and done it. I'm pregnant. Actually, that should read PREGNANT! It's been a very long week. For some insane reason I can't comprehend I decided to take a pregnancy test Sunday afternoon, not thinking I'd really be pregnant. It was more to get my brain to shut the hell up. Well, up comes two lines. I went to Wal-Mart to get a digital pregnancy test. You know, one of those that literally says "pregnant" just in case I was having a small stroke and was seeing lines. Nope. Pregnant. (Insert evil laugh tinged with slight sounds of panic here.)

bleech.

2007-08-23T09:24:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling nauseous. I....

A. Bought a new car yesterday.
B. Started my period.
C. Am getting sick.
D. All of the above.

well duh......

2007-08-16T13:17:00.000-04:00

You Are 48% Cynical

Yes, you are cynical, but more than anything, you're a realist.
You see what's screwed up in the world, but you also take time to remember what's right.

How Cynical Are You?

I would have thought, however, that I would be even more cynical than just 48%. Maybe I'm too much of a romantic. I'll have to check on that.

what did the fish say when it swam into the wall...."DAM!"

2007-08-13T10:15:00.000-04:00

Well, evidently, I'm a Ravenclaw, which I can live with.

"Ravenclaw values intelligence, creativity, wit, and wisdom."Wit beyond measure is man's greatest treasure" is an oft-repeated Ravenclaw proverb [HP5][HP7]. Its animal is the eagle (not the raven as might be expected), and its colours are blue and bronze (though the movies have portrayed their colors as blue and silver). The house ghost is the Grey Lady, who was revealed in book 7 to be Helena Ravenclaw, daughter of Hogwarts co-founder Rowena Ravenclaw after whom the house was named. According to Rowling, Ravenclaw corresponds roughly to the element of air. Rowena Ravenclaw was also the apparent owner of the diadem, which was proven as a horcrux in Book 7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.The Ravenclaw common room and dormitories are located in Ravenclaw Tower on the west side of the school. Few Ravenclaw students are specifically mentioned in the Harry Potter books. The common room is round, like Gryffindor's common room, and has a dome ceiling painted with stars. It also features the bust of Rowena Ravenclaw wearing her diadem. In order to gain entry to the Ravenclaw common room, a logical riddle must be solved. This is in contrast to the Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Slytherin common rooms, which require a password to enter. This likely is meant to correspond with the wit and intelligence associated with Ravenclaw, and the riddles seen in the book are philosophical in nature eg. 'What came first, the phoenix or the flame?' and 'Where do vanished objects go?', the answers to which are, respectively, 'A circle has no beginning' and 'Into nonbeing, that is to say everything', as stated by Luna Lovegood and Professor McGonagall respectively."

I havn't decided if I should be offended or not that I have many Slyterine qualities as well.

"According to Albus Dumbledore (in 'The Chamber of Secrets'), the qualities which "Slytherin prized in his hand-picked students" include "Parseltongue...resourcefulness...determination...a certain disregard for the rules": which Dumbledore notes are qualities possessed by Harry Potter."

RAVENCLAW:

[x] You're depressed to a certain extent. (work has sucked big time lately!)

[x] You love to read.

[x] You appreciate theatre & arts.

[X] Sports suck.

[X] Hate is completely unneeded. (people should just be fucking nice to each other!)

[ ] Indie is one of your favorite genre of music.

[x] Every once in a while you have little anger outbursts.

[x] Lying is sometimes okay.

[X] Blue is one of your favorite colors.

[ ] Knowledge is the key to power

[X] Sarcasm is the best kind of humor

[X] People should know what they're talking about before they talk.

TOTAL: 10

SLYTHERIN:

[x] There's at least one person you hate. (but many more on the shit list)

[ ] Basketball is a good sport.

[ ] Football is amazing.

[x] Black is a cool color.

[ ] You've lied about something serious

[x] You're a very deep person

[ ] You are not very loyal.

[x] You like heavy metal.

[X] You make school seem more important than it is.

[ ] You're scared to grow up.

[X] Anger is one of your primary feelings.

[x] You have trust issues.

[X] Guilty until proven innocent.

Total: 8

GRYFFINDOR:

[ ] You've never done drugs. (it was just pot!)

[ ] You have a lot of friends. (i dont' need alot when the close friends I do have are the best!)

[ ] You get along with everyone.

[ ] You love football

[X] You love baseball.

[x] You're into writing and art

[x] One of your favorite music genre is rock.

[ ] You believe in "innocent until proven guilty" theory.

[X] One of your favorite colors is red or gold.

[x] Good grades at school.

[ ] One of the worst things you can do is lie.

[x] You plan on going to college.

TOTAL: 6

HUFFLEPUFF:

[ ]You're content with mostly everything in your life right now.

[x] You laugh a lot.

[ ] You like to follow trends.

[x] Politics suck.

[ ] You love to swim

[ ] Water polo is awesome.

[X] Pink is one of your favorite colors.

[ ] Black is morbid & depressing.

[ ] You're an optimist.

[x] You're very emotional.

[ ] You believe in going steady at a young age.

[ ] You haven't made fun of anyone this month. (HAH!)

X] Loyalty is the MOST important thing in a relationship.

TOTAL: 5

And I got this from my Big Stupid Tommy (www.bigstupidtommy.blogspot.com)

that's all i've got........

2007-08-08T10:01:00.000-04:00

1. Miss my husband.
2. Hate the place that makes him work overtime for the next three weeks.
3. Miss the sex.
4. Miss the conversation.
5. Miss the sex.
6. Like the quiet time to myself.
7. Hate the quiet time to myself.
8. Like the extra cash.
9. Like the extra time with my firends.
10. Miss my husband.

a study of a friendship...wue-whoooo!

2007-07-31T10:06:00.000-04:00

I should carry this clip around for when people ask me what my Best Friend is like. www.southernmartyr.blogspot.com I'm the one driving. I'm also still the Mary.

In case you want the lyrics.......

I been working so hard
Keep punching my card
Eight hours, for what?
Oh, tell me what I got
I get this feeling
That time's just holding me down
I'll hit the ceiling
Or else I'll tear up this town
Tonight I gotta cut

(Chorus)
Loose, footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes
Please, Louise
Pull me offa my knees
Jack, get back
C'mon before we crack
Lose your blues
Everybody cut footloose
You're playing so cool
Obeying every rule
Dig way down in your heart
You're yearning, burning for some
Somebody to tell you
That life ain't passing you by
I'm trying to tell you
It will if you don't even try
You can fly if you'd only cut

(Chorus)
Loose, footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes
Oowhee, Marie
Shake it, shake it for me
Whoa, Milo
C'mon, c'mon let go
Lose your blues
Everybody cut footloose
FIRST - we got to turn you around
SECOND - You put your feet on the ground
THIRD - Now take a hold of your soul
FOUR - Whooooooooa, I'm turning it
Loose, FOOTLOOSE

(Chorus)

priority changes

2007-07-20T15:00:00.000-04:00

OHMYGODWHENDIDIGETSOFREAKINOLD! I wonder this because I am buying a new ottoman today after work to go with the new drape and new couch slipcover that I put up yesterday and I AM EXCITED BY THIS! To be fair, the couch looks fabulous and even the cats like it. And they hate everyone.

Look at that! This evidently turned into a "look at my babies post!" Yes, I said babies. I don't have children yet because evidently my eggs are all old and dried up so I have these two lovely little monkeys. The top is Omen after a cat nip binge. Don't touch her when she's like that. Then you have Jones (but you call him Dr. Jones!). He likes laundry baskets and white towels. Don't touch him at all. Jones also likes his privacy. But if you hear the tissue paper crinkle in the bottom of his little cat cube, don't make any sudden moves. That just means he has you in his sights and is getting ready to pounce. Lastly, we have Omen again. Stoned. Again. But it is fun when she is naughty to say "Bad Omen! Bad Omen!" But that doesn't happen very often because we let our babies do everything short of driving the car.

they're real and they're spectacular...

2007-07-18T15:38:00.000-04:00

Yes, that's right folks! After being on this planet for almost 32 years (which is an entirely different blog) I finally have great boobs. Barbie's boobs. Breasts. Mammary glands. Jugs. Melons. Tah-Tahs. (God I wonder how many hits I'll get now.) While working on an exhibit at my fine institution about the history of toys, I learned that while I don't have Barbie's minuscule waste, I do have her 36" boobs. My best friend has the original Barbie boobs at a very expansive decollete of 39." That's the early edition. Mine are evidently the 1997 edition. Evidently they went to 36" to make Barbie more "realistic." Of course they didn't do anything about the 18" waist and 33" in hips.

Life Lessons From Barbie

1. Family is Fundamental.
2. Many Girls have the same name, but you can still be an individual.
3. A shortage of Men won't ruin the party: women have superior social etiquette and important galas don't require men in attendance.
4. Alternative Lifestyles are acceptable.
5. It's Cool to Have Many Careers.
6. You Can Have love and work at the same time.
7. Dysfunction and Deformity are a part of life.
8. War is Hell.
9. All homeless must be sheltered.
10. Monogamy can work.

And finally, a helpful hint from Barbie straight from a vintage Barbie commercial......

"On cleaning day always wear lipstick, heals and a smile-just in case that dreamboat you're dating decides to stop by!"

I didin't realize that Barbie was into that kind of stuff.

2007-06-26T15:45:00.000-04:00

Evidently George Carlin left off a few words on his things you can't say in public. "Hurt" must be one of them because it garnered me an "R" rating for the blog. But I am proud to say that my friends both received an "NC-17"rating. It makes me so proud. I also found out that I have a 44% chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse.

44%

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

See how you would do here......

44%

does anyone need the end to this rope?

2007-06-21T10:32:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I actually am thinking about quiting my job. The job that I love. I finally feel like I'm doing what I'm meant to do with my life. I actually feel a sense of accomplishment and purpose at the end of my day. But not now. And I'm afraid that by me actually sticking it out so that they don't "win" I'm hurting the thing that I really love. So what do I do. Not to mention the fact that this crap that is going on is affecting my health. No shit. I actually have to go to the doctors today because my chest hurts again. So. I'm either having another episode of bronchitis, a heart attack, a panic attack or as dumb as it sounds...my heart just hurts. And lets not forget to mention the dying grandmother. I spoke with her the other day for the first time since she's gotten really bad and it just breaks my heart even more hearing how frail she sounds. GOD THIS SUCKS! And its not fair because I'm actually good at this. I try to be nice and good and honest. But because I'm not a big enough ass kisser or whatever.........I just want to go home and never have to deal with people again.

R.I.P Opal

2007-06-05T09:36:00.000-04:00

Does anyone know what a panic attack feels like? And does it have to come all at once or can it show up gradually? Either I'm dying of tb here or I'm on my way to a full fledged panic attack. I don't know. i don't know anything anymore. What does it mean when it feels like you have a 20 pound weight sitting on your chest, you don't feel like you've slept in days even though you have but you've had to put up with dreams that are, lets just say, less than pleasant, you can't eat, you cry at the drop of a hat and you generally just don't have the energy to do shit. And its quiet. I had a friend ask me what my nervous breakdown sounded like and its just quiet. I just sit here at my desk trying to not run screaming out of the building work and I'm interrupted by silence. I don't know where Opal went. She's the 12 year old that lives in my head. Normally she has a running commentary going on inside my brain. Unless they killed her. Do you suppose its that as long as you don't acknowledge something or someone then they're Real but as soon as you point it out....bang!....its gone. Kind of like my friend's cat Lah-Lah. I know she's real. Or at least at one point she was. I gave her to my friend. And while I hear stories of her, I've never seen a picture of her and I only catch faint and fleeting glimpses of her at said friends house. If I actually see her will this crazy little creature that doesn't seem natural at all disappear. Kind of like the Cheshire Cat? So, my thought is this.... Did Opal go away because the Old Biddy Brigade called her out? Said things that hurt her feelings and made her feel bad about herself? Evidently she was the "flip" one. And I think they killed her.

one great big swirly

2007-06-01T09:33:00.000-04:00

suck
v. To draw in by establishing a partial vacuum
v.intr. To be disgustingly disagreeable or offensive

Hear that loud sucking noise? That's my life. Six months ago I was happy. And anyone who knows me for at least 2 minutes realizes very quickly that "happy" is not a word generally used to describe me. But I was as happy as I had ever been. Husband great. Friends great. Job Fantastic! And I had even gotten to the point that because everything else was so good, especially the job, that it was okay that I hadn't gotten pregnant yet. But did you know that even though I bend over backwards to be home to wake the husband for his job and make his dinner and even pack up the fucking leftovers for his lunch and do all the cleaning, pay the bills go to the grocery store feed the cats AND clean out the litter box and the occasional ball of warm cat throw up off the floor wash the towels and put them away get the mail buy Mother's Day gifts for HIS mother that its evidently not enough. There have been times in the past when I've felt like the housekeeper and not so much like the wife. But I just chalked that up to everyone feels that way at some time or another. But then hubs would usually make up for taking me for granted. Not this time. He didn't even come home this morning. Fuck. Now you can add just not being a very nice good thankful competent professional grown up friendly truthful loyal honest person along with not being a good wife. And it PISSES ME OFF that it hurts my feelings (God what a stupid sentiment) by all the bullshit that I'm having to listen to from EVERYONE and put up with. OH! But how can that be? If I'm "flip" how can that possibly hurt my feelings because I'm such an insensitive ass that I can't possibly have feelings! Guess I'm lying about that too. Can I be someone else for a while? Of course that's what I've been told to do. Be someone else. Guess I'm not good enough for anyone.

meow

2007-02-21T16:52:00.000-05:00

Ahhhh! Stop it stop it stop it! I'm doing that annoying thing that I haven't done/had time to do/pretending it doesn't bother me in months! Stupid happy family with the stupid happy baby. I hope he poops kittens tonight!

because if you met my friends you would understand.

2007-02-13T15:22:00.000-05:00

How To Win A Fight With Bayonets
From the Worst-Case Scenario Almanac

1. Maintain eye contact with opponent.
Watch his/her weapon and body using peripheral vision. Size up each moment of the fight, pursuing all openings and weakness your opponent reveals.

2. Make constant, unpredictable movements.
Do not allow your opponent to take a clean shot or to anticipate your next move.

3. Growl.
Make aggressive, threatening noises to frighten your opponent and instill confidence in you own abilities to finish the fight.

4. Start in the attack position.
Stand with your feet a comfortable distance apart, with your body bend slightly forward at the waist, knees slightly bent, and weight balanced on the balls of you feet. Hold the musket firmly, with you dominant hand on the butt or just behind the trigger guard and your other hand on the grip below the barrel. Position the musket diagonally across and slightly away from you body at about nose level.

5. Thrust the bayonet.
Grasp the musket tightly and pull the butt in close to your hip; partially extend your non dominant arm, guiding the point of the bayonet toward your opponent's face, throat, abdomen, or groin. Step forward with one leg and push with the full power of your body's movement, using your back heel, waist and hips rather than relying solely on upper body strength. Upon penetration, with the bayonet. To withdraw, shift your weight back and pull out along the line of penetration. Resume the attack position to continue with the fight.

6. Strike with the musket butt.
Step forward with the leg opposite your dominant hand and raise the musket in an arc, using your dominant hand to force the butt of the musket underneath your opponent's weapon on onto a vulnerable area of his body (anywhere from his face to his thighs). If delivered with enough force, a strike from the butt of the musket to a bony area can disable your opponent and possibly kill him/her. Resume the attack position.

7. Smash with the musket butt.
Push the butt of the rifle upward until it is horizontal, with the muzzle just above your non dominant shoulder and the bayonet pointing behind you. Step forward with the leg opposite your dominant hand and forcefully push with both arms, slamming the butt into your opponent's face. This move is often effective after striking with the musket butt.

8. Parry your opponent's attacks.
Counter the movements of your opponent by quickly raising your bayonet and striking the opponent's musket with your own. If the butt of his musket is at his left hip, deflect his thrust to your right; if the butt of his musket is at his right hip, deflect to your left. This will throw your opponent off balance and enable you to follow up with a thrust, strike, or smash.

9. Block surprise attacks.
To stop an opponent from striking your groin with the butt of his/her musket, extend your arms downward and slightly out from your body, catching his weapon at the center part of your musket. To stop a butt stroke to your upper body or head, hold your musket vertical so your opponent's weapon with hit at the center of your musket. Counterattack immediately.

10. Be relentless.
Quick action is imperative in a bayonet fight. You are fighting for your life.

Be Aware
1. In the majority of bayonet charges, the defensive side flees before any contact is made. Bayonet charges are often more a symbolic coup de grace meant to finish off the morale of the opposition than an order to actually engage in hand-to-hand combat. Because soldiers running toward a line with bayonets drawn present such an intimidating sight, the commander with field advantage often delivers the order to stop the battle by chasing the remaining enemy troops from the field. If you hear your field commander give the order for a bayonet charge, you can assume that you are on the winning side of an almost-finished fight.

2. Most actual bayonet fights occur not on a battlefield but in close combat situations in villages, woods, or gardens or on highly irregular, broken terrain.

3. Aiming at an opponent's breast may lead to impalement of the breastbone, making removal or the bayonet very difficult.

good night everybody. be sure to tip your waitress.

2007-02-02T11:39:00.000-05:00

Spatula. spatula. spatuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuula. SPATULA! That's all I've got for ya' today folks. Except for this........(insert elaborate fanfare here).

deep dark secret

2007-01-29T15:53:00.000-05:00

I watched the first hour of "13 Going On 30" yesterday (by myself), LIKED IT, missed the last half of the movie and am trying to find a way to watch the last of it without anyone knowing. Anyone who doesn't have a pot to throw at me that is.

gee brain, what do you want to do tonight?

2007-01-11T15:35:00.000-05:00

For my birthday (ugh 31!) my sweet hubs gave me the first season of the Animanics, a fond memory of my youth. I've been watching them when I have a little free time and I'm delighted to find that I still find them as funny as I did so many, many, many years ago. Especially Pinky and the Brain. For those of you not in the know, Pinky and the Brain are cartoon characters from the cartoon the Animaniacs. Later, they starred in their own spin off called Steven Spielberg Presents Pinky and the Brain, but it wasn't as good.

Pinky and the Brain are genetically enhanced lab mice who reside in a cage in the Acme Labs research facility. Each week sees Brain come up with a new plan for the two (led by him) to take over the world, which ultimately ends in failure. In common with many other Animaniacs shorts, many episodes are in some way a parody of something else—usually a film. The cartoon's famous tag line is: "Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" "The same thing we do every night Pinky - Try to take over the world!"Although they plan to conquer the earth, there isn't a lot of antagonism seen in them, and in a Christmas special Pinky even wrote to Santa that Brain had the world's best interests at heart. This is reinforced by Brain's promises that he will provide more funding for law enforcement and the like. Brain usually includes Pinky in his plans, but, not being the brightest bulb in the box, Pinky doesn't have a clue.

So, without further ado.....

"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

"I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find a duck and a hose at this hour?

pandora's got good things in her box

2007-01-04T08:58:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year everyone! I hope all of my non existent readers are having a good start to 2007 like I am. No really. I am. I AM HAPPY. With everything. Even the no baby thing. Go figure. Anyway, I've a really short post as I'm up to my ass in work today and have a meeting in about in hour, but I just wanted to pass along a fantastic thing called Pandora Internet Radio. You type in a song or artist and Pandora programs a radio station just for you based on you song selection. For example...I'm currently listening to The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You." You can edit the songs they pick for you to. Tell them if one sucks or if you like a song. You can also ask why they selected one. Example. Tim McGraw. For some reason on a station I started (did I mention that you can program several different types of "stations" ?) that began with Michael Buble and 3 hours later, Tim McGraw. Needless to say, ol' Tim is banned from my station now. You just go to http://www.pandora.com/. Very cool, you need to try it out. Wait! I already am!

decision 2006

2006-12-21T10:06:00.001-05:00

OK, so I think sometime during the night I've come to decision about the whole baby thing. I think I'm going to talk to the hubs about it. There. I've said it. It's out there for the whole world to see (which is kind of funny because no one but me and my alter ego reads it). The weird thing though is that I don't remember thinking about or coming to a conscious decision about this. I just woke up this morning and new that this was the plan. So here's to getting knocked up in 2007. Oh, and by the way, I learned from my Grandmother that "knocked up" isn't a nice phrase. Sorry Gram.

i need a nap. not a "nap" but a nap.

2006-12-20T16:35:00.000-05:00

I'm in the middle of a condumdrum. Do I get romantical with the hubs this weekend in the hopes that something will stick.....or do I listen to the little voice inside my brain that wants to know if ImoutofmyeverlovingmindIhaveabrandnewjobwithawholeboatloadofresponsibilitesanddontevenremotelyhavetimetohaveababy!

Random thought..."Little Drummer Boy" as sung by Marlene Dietrich just came on the station I'm listening to on my computer?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch..........So what do I do about the fact that two little lines showed up on my pee stick and I'm evidently going to percolate within the next 24 to 36 hours? The fact that I am so insanely tired today I think has answered my question. Half of my staff has been gone this week with flu. And as a sidenote I don't think I have ever used up so much Lysol in my life! We'll just wait till next month I think.

I'm off to take a nap.

HOLY CRAP!

2006-12-11T15:27:00.000-05:00

I just realized that I'm going to be 31 in 20 days!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!

ho, ho, ho.

2006-12-11T15:22:00.000-05:00

I didn't freeze my ass off at the parade. I did just about loose my toes and fingers to frost bite however. It's funny how bad your aim will get when you can't feel the tips of your fingers. And before you ask, yes, I had gloves on. But when it's 6 degrees out with the wind chill, one pair of gloves evidently doesn't cut it. I had fun though. It sort of put me back in the Christmas spirit. So much so that I bought a cd player for the office. The staff had mentioned several times that the one they had didn't work. So just call me Santa.

how an elf freezes her ass off

2006-12-07T16:50:00.000-05:00

I'm going to be in the small town Christmas parade tonight. And freeze my ass off. At the moment, I'm not terribly thrilled at the thought of hanging off the side of a fire truck, hurling candy at small children. And the occasional cop. As I mentioned, it's cold. FREAKIN! cold. And I can't find my Santa hat. So now, I have to stop and get something to wear on my head, not only to keep from getting the ultimate brain freeze, but also so the other elf doesn't look like a dork. And trust me, she'll try to kick my ass if I don't show up with something. But it will be fun and maybe knock me out of this little.........funk?.............I seem to be experiencing. You know the drill...no baby, lots of work, parents who don't appreciate the children they do have. It is nice to see kids go crazy over a fat guy in a red velour suit. Oh, and did I mention that our particular Santa doesn't like children?

FYI....the word "freakin'" showed up as "foreskin" in my spellcheck just now. Merry Christmas!

my wasted letter to santa

2006-11-21T14:29:00.000-05:00

Well, I wasted my letter to Santa, as one has to actually get around to the act of sex to get pregnant. It was such a crazy ass weekend that sweets and I passed each other in the hall on occasion and that was about it. And despite what all my Sunday school teachers said (I'm Catholic) you CANNOT get pregnant that way. So. No baby for me for the time being. It just means that we'll have to try harder. And it is always so much fun to try harder.

dear santa,

2006-11-17T15:34:00.000-05:00

I wrote a letter to Santa last night. To Santa. On stationary, in pink ink and put a stamp on it. Did I mention that I'm just a few months shy of 31? I know. Sounds stupid. I wrote a letter to Santa last year and asked for a baby. That was it. A baby. And it worked. We got a baby, but it wasn't my baby. Turns out it was my sister-in-law who got the baby. So THIS time, I was much more specific. I asked Santa for a baby for me. That I wanted to get pregnant this weekend and have a baby next July. My baby. For me. Mine. Who knows. Maybe it will work. Rest assured, you'll be the first to know nonexistent readers. Or who knows, maybe Santa's on the Net.

can i have something to drink to swallow my bitter little pill?

2006-11-14T14:51:00.000-05:00

No baby for me. I don't know how that makes me feel. No, wait. There it is...That's it......Angry. Yes, angry. ALL of my friends seem to be able to pop them out like Pez but then there's me....a CATHOLIC for God's sake....and can I get knocked up?!?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

In case you haven't noticed, I've decided to write about whatever the Hell I want. Of course the "you" I speak of is about as real as the non-existent children I will never have. No, I'm not bitter. But I do have one of my favorite friends, and although we don't see each other all the time, we've known each other for along time. Well, she's preggers. And what pisses me off, is how I can't get past the jealously that is lodged in my throat like a giant no freakin' baby tick-tac! (Man, what's with all the candy metaphors today?) I just don't get it. Why does everyone else get their family and I don't. But, I am "percolating" this weekend. So who knows. Maybe I'll get my Christmas wish this year. Last year I wasn't specific enough because evidently, when I asked for a baby, I should have said "I want to be the one pregnant and getting the baby" because we got a baby in my family...my new nephew. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy we have this child in the family. He's kind of a "miracle" if you will, as the parents didn't think they could have kids the easy way. But I want "MY" baby. And my hubbies as well. So, I'll be writing Santa a letter. And it will be very specific.

I guess I'm just having a hard week. I got my ass handed to me the other day by the bitch of my organization. Little does she know, that along with being a domestic goddess, I AM THE UBER BITCH! (Odd, I just saw myself standing on a mountain top ala He-Man with my sword drawn.) And for the rest of the week, I'm the queen of the meetings. Two today, one all day tomorrow, a conference call on Thursday and two meetings on Friday. And I still have laundry to do! God, I can't wait for the weekend!

bwah ha ha ha

2006-11-01T10:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I peed on my stick yesterday when I got home and nothing. No second line. BUT! the "others" didn't show up again today either. Except for the few little telltale signs, some of which are a little foreign to me. Actually, I feel like I could just snap someone's head off at the smallest provocation. And is it just me or is it freakin' cold in here!? I may have to go and jack the heat up in the office. One of the little perks that comes with being "the boss" is that I have complete control of the heat and air temperature *insert manicacle laugh here* and no one can say anything about it.

peeing on a stick

2006-10-31T16:23:00.000-05:00

I never thought I'd be the type of person who'd get excited about peeing on a stick. And I'm not talking about any ol' stick. Nooooo. I'm talking about the incredibly expensive kind that tell you whether you're preggers or not. I'm probably not. But I hope I am. The hubby and I have been at this for a long damn time. Some of us longer than others. I try not to get my hopes up. But I will. So. I'm going to the Dollar Store after work to purchase my very own home pregnancy test for a mere $1. Yes, I just learned recently that for the low low price of $1 I can either have the last of my dreams fulfilled or totally crushed. Somehow it cheapens it when the dream crushing costs less than a King Size Hershy bar. Happy freakin' Halloween.

the dark side

2006-10-05T14:03:00.000-04:00

It was dark when I woke up this morning. It hasn't been dark when I've gotten up in a very long time. I was having flash backs of being in school. Totally not cool. Then, I went to a meeting. A meeting at 7 in the freakin' morning. Oh my God! Who meets that early! Evidently I do, because I'm planning on joining the particular organization. Don't get me wrong...they do a lot of good things for the community and it will be good for me professionally and for the place that I work. But SEVEN AM! Ugghhh.

and they say women are irrational.

2006-09-28T09:16:00.000-04:00

Oh my god! We had our "talk." Sort of. But that's not what I'm amazed at. He actually got mad at me because I didn't get mad at him. Could someone please explain how that is supposed to be rational!

"this" is it......!

2006-09-27T14:03:00.000-04:00

Okay. When the hell did "this" happen. "This" being the fact that one day I would wake up and I'm suddenly an adult!?!?!? No, I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone else. Now if you'll excuse me I'd like to go back to playing with my dolls. No. Scratch that. Those years weren't all that fun either. I had a bedtime back then. But then there are days like this week that I would LOVE, I mean LUUUUUV to go back to being a little kid. But where am I you ask? Well, I'm a 30 year old who is only a few short months from being 31 (although the party line in my house is that I'm 26) sitting in her new office that is technically not "her" office for another 2 and 1/2 days because the current Executive Director is still here part time. Yes! I said Executive Director! What...When....WTF! I don't know anything about being in charge! Do you know what "being in charge" means? It means that whenever someone comes into your-but-not-really-your-office with a question that you are expected to have an answer. That and having to learn about boards of directors, staff evaluations (I have one person I may have/get to fire), portfolios and all the other multitudes of crap that comes with being "in charge". All while still using a craptackular version of windowsnotdoors 98. Whoohoo.

My day will end at home, where my husband is waiting "to talk." I don't know what the hell that means. Stay tuned kids.