Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Ahhhh! Stop it stop it stop it! I'm doing that annoying thing that I haven't done/had time to do/pretending it doesn't bother me in months! Stupid happy family with the stupid happy baby. I hope he poops kittens tonight!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

because if you met my friends you would understand.

How To Win A Fight With Bayonets
From the Worst-Case Scenario Almanac

1. Maintain eye contact with opponent.
Watch his/her weapon and body using peripheral vision. Size up each moment of the fight, pursuing all openings and weakness your opponent reveals.

2. Make constant, unpredictable movements.
Do not allow your opponent to take a clean shot or to anticipate your next move.

3. Growl.
Make aggressive, threatening noises to frighten your opponent and instill confidence in you own abilities to finish the fight.

4. Start in the attack position.
Stand with your feet a comfortable distance apart, with your body bend slightly forward at the waist, knees slightly bent, and weight balanced on the balls of you feet. Hold the musket firmly, with you dominant hand on the butt or just behind the trigger guard and your other hand on the grip below the barrel. Position the musket diagonally across and slightly away from you body at about nose level.

5. Thrust the bayonet.
Grasp the musket tightly and pull the butt in close to your hip; partially extend your non dominant arm, guiding the point of the bayonet toward your opponent's face, throat, abdomen, or groin. Step forward with one leg and push with the full power of your body's movement, using your back heel, waist and hips rather than relying solely on upper body strength. Upon penetration, with the bayonet. To withdraw, shift your weight back and pull out along the line of penetration. Resume the attack position to continue with the fight.

6. Strike with the musket butt.
Step forward with the leg opposite your dominant hand and raise the musket in an arc, using your dominant hand to force the butt of the musket underneath your opponent's weapon on onto a vulnerable area of his body (anywhere from his face to his thighs). If delivered with enough force, a strike from the butt of the musket to a bony area can disable your opponent and possibly kill him/her. Resume the attack position.

7. Smash with the musket butt.
Push the butt of the rifle upward until it is horizontal, with the muzzle just above your non dominant shoulder and the bayonet pointing behind you. Step forward with the leg opposite your dominant hand and forcefully push with both arms, slamming the butt into your opponent's face. This move is often effective after striking with the musket butt.

8. Parry your opponent's attacks.
Counter the movements of your opponent by quickly raising your bayonet and striking the opponent's musket with your own. If the butt of his musket is at his left hip, deflect his thrust to your right; if the butt of his musket is at his right hip, deflect to your left. This will throw your opponent off balance and enable you to follow up with a thrust, strike, or smash.

9. Block surprise attacks.
To stop an opponent from striking your groin with the butt of his/her musket, extend your arms downward and slightly out from your body, catching his weapon at the center part of your musket. To stop a butt stroke to your upper body or head, hold your musket vertical so your opponent's weapon with hit at the center of your musket. Counterattack immediately.

10. Be relentless.
Quick action is imperative in a bayonet fight. You are fighting for your life.

Be Aware
1. In the majority of bayonet charges, the defensive side flees before any contact is made. Bayonet charges are often more a symbolic coup de grace meant to finish off the morale of the opposition than an order to actually engage in hand-to-hand combat. Because soldiers running toward a line with bayonets drawn present such an intimidating sight, the commander with field advantage often delivers the order to stop the battle by chasing the remaining enemy troops from the field. If you hear your field commander give the order for a bayonet charge, you can assume that you are on the winning side of an almost-finished fight.

2. Most actual bayonet fights occur not on a battlefield but in close combat situations in villages, woods, or gardens or on highly irregular, broken terrain.

3. Aiming at an opponent's breast may lead to impalement of the breastbone, making removal or the bayonet very difficult.

Friday, February 02, 2007

good night everybody. be sure to tip your waitress.

Spatula. spatula. spatuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuula. SPATULA! That's all I've got for ya' today folks. Except for this........(insert elaborate fanfare here).