Tuesday, June 05, 2007

R.I.P Opal


Does anyone know what a panic attack feels like? And does it have to come all at once or can it show up gradually? Either I'm dying of tb here or I'm on my way to a full fledged panic attack. I don't know. i don't know anything anymore. What does it mean when it feels like you have a 20 pound weight sitting on your chest, you don't feel like you've slept in days even though you have but you've had to put up with dreams that are, lets just say, less than pleasant, you can't eat, you cry at the drop of a hat and you generally just don't have the energy to do shit. And its quiet. I had a friend ask me what my nervous breakdown sounded like and its just quiet. I just sit here at my desk trying to not run screaming out of the building work and I'm interrupted by silence. I don't know where Opal went. She's the 12 year old that lives in my head. Normally she has a running commentary going on inside my brain. Unless they killed her. Do you suppose its that as long as you don't acknowledge something or someone then they're Real but as soon as you point it out....bang!....its gone. Kind of like my friend's cat Lah-Lah. I know she's real. Or at least at one point she was. I gave her to my friend. And while I hear stories of her, I've never seen a picture of her and I only catch faint and fleeting glimpses of her at said friends house. If I actually see her will this crazy little creature that doesn't seem natural at all disappear. Kind of like the Cheshire Cat? So, my thought is this.... Did Opal go away because the Old Biddy Brigade called her out? Said things that hurt her feelings and made her feel bad about herself? Evidently she was the "flip" one. And I think they killed her.

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