Evidently George Carlin left off a few words on his things you can't say in public. "Hurt" must be one of them because it garnered me an "R" rating for the blog. But I am proud to say that my friends both received an "NC-17"rating. It makes me so proud. I also found out that I have a 44% chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse.

44%

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44%

does anyone need the end to this rope?

I can't believe I actually am thinking about quiting my job. The job that I love. I finally feel like I'm doing what I'm meant to do with my life. I actually feel a sense of accomplishment and purpose at the end of my day. But not now. And I'm afraid that by me actually sticking it out so that they don't "win" I'm hurting the thing that I really love. So what do I do. Not to mention the fact that this crap that is going on is affecting my health. No shit. I actually have to go to the doctors today because my chest hurts again. So. I'm either having another episode of bronchitis, a heart attack, a panic attack or as dumb as it sounds...my heart just hurts. And lets not forget to mention the dying grandmother. I spoke with her the other day for the first time since she's gotten really bad and it just breaks my heart even more hearing how frail she sounds. GOD THIS SUCKS! And its not fair because I'm actually good at this. I try to be nice and good and honest. But because I'm not a big enough ass kisser or whatever.........I just want to go home and never have to deal with people again.

R.I.P Opal

Does anyone know what a panic attack feels like? And does it have to come all at once or can it show up gradually? Either I'm dying of tb here or I'm on my way to a full fledged panic attack. I don't know. i don't know anything anymore. What does it mean when it feels like you have a 20 pound weight sitting on your chest, you don't feel like you've slept in days even though you have but you've had to put up with dreams that are, lets just say, less than pleasant, you can't eat, you cry at the drop of a hat and you generally just don't have the energy to do shit. And its quiet. I had a friend ask me what my nervous breakdown sounded like and its just quiet. I just sit here at my desk trying to not run screaming out of the building work and I'm interrupted by silence. I don't know where Opal went. She's the 12 year old that lives in my head. Normally she has a running commentary going on inside my brain. Unless they killed her. Do you suppose its that as long as you don't acknowledge something or someone then they're Real but as soon as you point it out....bang!....its gone. Kind of like my friend's cat Lah-Lah. I know she's real. Or at least at one point she was. I gave her to my friend. And while I hear stories of her, I've never seen a picture of her and I only catch faint and fleeting glimpses of her at said friends house. If I actually see her will this crazy little creature that doesn't seem natural at all disappear. Kind of like the Cheshire Cat? So, my thought is this.... Did Opal go away because the Old Biddy Brigade called her out? Said things that hurt her feelings and made her feel bad about herself? Evidently she was the "flip" one. And I think they killed her.

one great big swirly

suck
v. To draw in by establishing a partial vacuum
v.intr. To be disgustingly disagreeable or offensive

Hear that loud sucking noise? That's my life. Six months ago I was happy. And anyone who knows me for at least 2 minutes realizes very quickly that "happy" is not a word generally used to describe me. But I was as happy as I had ever been. Husband great. Friends great. Job Fantastic! And I had even gotten to the point that because everything else was so good, especially the job, that it was okay that I hadn't gotten pregnant yet. But did you know that even though I bend over backwards to be home to wake the husband for his job and make his dinner and even pack up the fucking leftovers for his lunch and do all the cleaning, pay the bills go to the grocery store feed the cats AND clean out the litter box and the occasional ball of warm cat throw up off the floor wash the towels and put them away get the mail buy Mother's Day gifts for HIS mother that its evidently not enough. There have been times in the past when I've felt like the housekeeper and not so much like the wife. But I just chalked that up to everyone feels that way at some time or another. But then hubs would usually make up for taking me for granted. Not this time. He didn't even come home this morning. Fuck. Now you can add just not being a very nice good thankful competent professional grown up friendly truthful loyal honest person along with not being a good wife. And it PISSES ME OFF that it hurts my feelings (God what a stupid sentiment) by all the bullshit that I'm having to listen to from EVERYONE and put up with. OH! But how can that be? If I'm "flip" how can that possibly hurt my feelings because I'm such an insensitive ass that I can't possibly have feelings! Guess I'm lying about that too. Can I be someone else for a while? Of course that's what I've been told to do. Be someone else. Guess I'm not good enough for anyone.