meow

Ahhhh! Stop it stop it stop it! I'm doing that annoying thing that I haven't done/had time to do/pretending it doesn't bother me in months! Stupid happy family with the stupid happy baby. I hope he poops kittens tonight!

because if you met my friends you would understand.

How To Win A Fight With Bayonets
From the Worst-Case Scenario Almanac

1. Maintain eye contact with opponent.
Watch his/her weapon and body using peripheral vision. Size up each moment of the fight, pursuing all openings and weakness your opponent reveals.

2. Make constant, unpredictable movements.
Do not allow your opponent to take a clean shot or to anticipate your next move.

3. Growl.
Make aggressive, threatening noises to frighten your opponent and instill confidence in you own abilities to finish the fight.

4. Start in the attack position.
Stand with your feet a comfortable distance apart, with your body bend slightly forward at the waist, knees slightly bent, and weight balanced on the balls of you feet. Hold the musket firmly, with you dominant hand on the butt or just behind the trigger guard and your other hand on the grip below the barrel. Position the musket diagonally across and slightly away from you body at about nose level.

5. Thrust the bayonet.
Grasp the musket tightly and pull the butt in close to your hip; partially extend your non dominant arm, guiding the point of the bayonet toward your opponent's face, throat, abdomen, or groin. Step forward with one leg and push with the full power of your body's movement, using your back heel, waist and hips rather than relying solely on upper body strength. Upon penetration, with the bayonet. To withdraw, shift your weight back and pull out along the line of penetration. Resume the attack position to continue with the fight.

6. Strike with the musket butt.
Step forward with the leg opposite your dominant hand and raise the musket in an arc, using your dominant hand to force the butt of the musket underneath your opponent's weapon on onto a vulnerable area of his body (anywhere from his face to his thighs). If delivered with enough force, a strike from the butt of the musket to a bony area can disable your opponent and possibly kill him/her. Resume the attack position.

7. Smash with the musket butt.
Push the butt of the rifle upward until it is horizontal, with the muzzle just above your non dominant shoulder and the bayonet pointing behind you. Step forward with the leg opposite your dominant hand and forcefully push with both arms, slamming the butt into your opponent's face. This move is often effective after striking with the musket butt.

8. Parry your opponent's attacks.
Counter the movements of your opponent by quickly raising your bayonet and striking the opponent's musket with your own. If the butt of his musket is at his left hip, deflect his thrust to your right; if the butt of his musket is at his right hip, deflect to your left. This will throw your opponent off balance and enable you to follow up with a thrust, strike, or smash.

9. Block surprise attacks.
To stop an opponent from striking your groin with the butt of his/her musket, extend your arms downward and slightly out from your body, catching his weapon at the center part of your musket. To stop a butt stroke to your upper body or head, hold your musket vertical so your opponent's weapon with hit at the center of your musket. Counterattack immediately.

10. Be relentless.
Quick action is imperative in a bayonet fight. You are fighting for your life.

Be Aware
1. In the majority of bayonet charges, the defensive side flees before any contact is made. Bayonet charges are often more a symbolic coup de grace meant to finish off the morale of the opposition than an order to actually engage in hand-to-hand combat. Because soldiers running toward a line with bayonets drawn present such an intimidating sight, the commander with field advantage often delivers the order to stop the battle by chasing the remaining enemy troops from the field. If you hear your field commander give the order for a bayonet charge, you can assume that you are on the winning side of an almost-finished fight.

2. Most actual bayonet fights occur not on a battlefield but in close combat situations in villages, woods, or gardens or on highly irregular, broken terrain.

3. Aiming at an opponent's breast may lead to impalement of the breastbone, making removal or the bayonet very difficult.

good night everybody. be sure to tip your waitress.

Spatula. spatula. spatuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuula. SPATULA! That's all I've got for ya' today folks. Except for this........(insert elaborate fanfare here).

deep dark secret

I watched the first hour of "13 Going On 30" yesterday (by myself), LIKED IT, missed the last half of the movie and am trying to find a way to watch the last of it without anyone knowing. Anyone who doesn't have a pot to throw at me that is.

gee brain, what do you want to do tonight?

For my birthday (ugh 31!) my sweet hubs gave me the first season of the Animanics, a fond memory of my youth. I've been watching them when I have a little free time and I'm delighted to find that I still find them as funny as I did so many, many, many years ago. Especially Pinky and the Brain. For those of you not in the know, Pinky and the Brain are cartoon characters from the cartoon the Animaniacs. Later, they starred in their own spin off called Steven Spielberg Presents Pinky and the Brain, but it wasn't as good.

Pinky and the Brain are genetically enhanced lab mice who reside in a cage in the Acme Labs research facility. Each week sees Brain come up with a new plan for the two (led by him) to take over the world, which ultimately ends in failure. In common with many other Animaniacs shorts, many episodes are in some way a parody of something else—usually a film. The cartoon's famous tag line is: "Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" "The same thing we do every night Pinky - Try to take over the world!"Although they plan to conquer the earth, there isn't a lot of antagonism seen in them, and in a Christmas special Pinky even wrote to Santa that Brain had the world's best interests at heart. This is reinforced by Brain's promises that he will provide more funding for law enforcement and the like. Brain usually includes Pinky in his plans, but, not being the brightest bulb in the box, Pinky doesn't have a clue.

So, without further ado.....

"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?


"I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find a duck and a hose at this hour?

pandora's got good things in her box

Happy New Year everyone! I hope all of my non existent readers are having a good start to 2007 like I am. No really. I am. I AM HAPPY. With everything. Even the no baby thing. Go figure. Anyway, I've a really short post as I'm up to my ass in work today and have a meeting in about in hour, but I just wanted to pass along a fantastic thing called Pandora Internet Radio. You type in a song or artist and Pandora programs a radio station just for you based on you song selection. For example...I'm currently listening to The Pretenders "I'll Stand By You." You can edit the songs they pick for you to. Tell them if one sucks or if you like a song. You can also ask why they selected one. Example. Tim McGraw. For some reason on a station I started (did I mention that you can program several different types of "stations" ?) that began with Michael Buble and 3 hours later, Tim McGraw. Needless to say, ol' Tim is banned from my station now. You just go to http://www.pandora.com/. Very cool, you need to try it out. Wait! I already am!

decision 2006

OK, so I think sometime during the night I've come to decision about the whole baby thing. I think I'm going to talk to the hubs about it. There. I've said it. It's out there for the whole world to see (which is kind of funny because no one but me and my alter ego reads it). The weird thing though is that I don't remember thinking about or coming to a conscious decision about this. I just woke up this morning and new that this was the plan. So here's to getting knocked up in 2007. Oh, and by the way, I learned from my Grandmother that "knocked up" isn't a nice phrase. Sorry Gram.

i need a nap. not a "nap" but a nap.

I'm in the middle of a condumdrum. Do I get romantical with the hubs this weekend in the hopes that something will stick.....or do I listen to the little voice inside my brain that wants to know if ImoutofmyeverlovingmindIhaveabrandnewjobwithawholeboatloadofresponsibilitesanddontevenremotelyhavetimetohaveababy!

Random thought..."Little Drummer Boy" as sung by Marlene Dietrich just came on the station I'm listening to on my computer?

Meanwhile, back at the ranch..........So what do I do about the fact that two little lines showed up on my pee stick and I'm evidently going to percolate within the next 24 to 36 hours? The fact that I am so insanely tired today I think has answered my question. Half of my staff has been gone this week with flu. And as a sidenote I don't think I have ever used up so much Lysol in my life! We'll just wait till next month I think.

I'm off to take a nap.

HOLY CRAP!

I just realized that I'm going to be 31 in 20 days!!!!!!!!!!! WTF!

ho, ho, ho.

I didn't freeze my ass off at the parade. I did just about loose my toes and fingers to frost bite however. It's funny how bad your aim will get when you can't feel the tips of your fingers. And before you ask, yes, I had gloves on. But when it's 6 degrees out with the wind chill, one pair of gloves evidently doesn't cut it. I had fun though. It sort of put me back in the Christmas spirit. So much so that I bought a cd player for the office. The staff had mentioned several times that the one they had didn't work. So just call me Santa.

how an elf freezes her ass off

I'm going to be in the small town Christmas parade tonight. And freeze my ass off. At the moment, I'm not terribly thrilled at the thought of hanging off the side of a fire truck, hurling candy at small children. And the occasional cop. As I mentioned, it's cold. FREAKIN! cold. And I can't find my Santa hat. So now, I have to stop and get something to wear on my head, not only to keep from getting the ultimate brain freeze, but also so the other elf doesn't look like a dork. And trust me, she'll try to kick my ass if I don't show up with something. But it will be fun and maybe knock me out of this little.........funk?.............I seem to be experiencing. You know the drill...no baby, lots of work, parents who don't appreciate the children they do have. It is nice to see kids go crazy over a fat guy in a red velour suit. Oh, and did I mention that our particular Santa doesn't like children?

FYI....the word "freakin'" showed up as "foreskin" in my spellcheck just now. Merry Christmas!

my wasted letter to santa

Well, I wasted my letter to Santa, as one has to actually get around to the act of sex to get pregnant. It was such a crazy ass weekend that sweets and I passed each other in the hall on occasion and that was about it. And despite what all my Sunday school teachers said (I'm Catholic) you CANNOT get pregnant that way. So. No baby for me for the time being. It just means that we'll have to try harder. And it is always so much fun to try harder.

dear santa,

I wrote a letter to Santa last night. To Santa. On stationary, in pink ink and put a stamp on it. Did I mention that I'm just a few months shy of 31? I know. Sounds stupid. I wrote a letter to Santa last year and asked for a baby. That was it. A baby. And it worked. We got a baby, but it wasn't my baby. Turns out it was my sister-in-law who got the baby. So THIS time, I was much more specific. I asked Santa for a baby for me. That I wanted to get pregnant this weekend and have a baby next July. My baby. For me. Mine. Who knows. Maybe it will work. Rest assured, you'll be the first to know nonexistent readers. Or who knows, maybe Santa's on the Net.

can i have something to drink to swallow my bitter little pill?

No baby for me. I don't know how that makes me feel. No, wait. There it is...That's it......Angry. Yes, angry. ALL of my friends seem to be able to pop them out like Pez but then there's me....a CATHOLIC for God's sake....and can I get knocked up?!?!?!? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

In case you haven't noticed, I've decided to write about whatever the Hell I want. Of course the "you" I speak of is about as real as the non-existent children I will never have. No, I'm not bitter. But I do have one of my favorite friends, and although we don't see each other all the time, we've known each other for along time. Well, she's preggers. And what pisses me off, is how I can't get past the jealously that is lodged in my throat like a giant no freakin' baby tick-tac! (Man, what's with all the candy metaphors today?) I just don't get it. Why does everyone else get their family and I don't. But, I am "percolating" this weekend. So who knows. Maybe I'll get my Christmas wish this year. Last year I wasn't specific enough because evidently, when I asked for a baby, I should have said "I want to be the one pregnant and getting the baby" because we got a baby in my family...my new nephew. Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy we have this child in the family. He's kind of a "miracle" if you will, as the parents didn't think they could have kids the easy way. But I want "MY" baby. And my hubbies as well. So, I'll be writing Santa a letter. And it will be very specific.

I guess I'm just having a hard week. I got my ass handed to me the other day by the bitch of my organization. Little does she know, that along with being a domestic goddess, I AM THE UBER BITCH! (Odd, I just saw myself standing on a mountain top ala He-Man with my sword drawn.) And for the rest of the week, I'm the queen of the meetings. Two today, one all day tomorrow, a conference call on Thursday and two meetings on Friday. And I still have laundry to do! God, I can't wait for the weekend!

bwah ha ha ha

Well, I peed on my stick yesterday when I got home and nothing. No second line. BUT! the "others" didn't show up again today either. Except for the few little telltale signs, some of which are a little foreign to me. Actually, I feel like I could just snap someone's head off at the smallest provocation. And is it just me or is it freakin' cold in here!? I may have to go and jack the heat up in the office. One of the little perks that comes with being "the boss" is that I have complete control of the heat and air temperature *insert manicacle laugh here* and no one can say anything about it.

peeing on a stick

I never thought I'd be the type of person who'd get excited about peeing on a stick. And I'm not talking about any ol' stick. Nooooo. I'm talking about the incredibly expensive kind that tell you whether you're preggers or not. I'm probably not. But I hope I am. The hubby and I have been at this for a long damn time. Some of us longer than others. I try not to get my hopes up. But I will. So. I'm going to the Dollar Store after work to purchase my very own home pregnancy test for a mere $1. Yes, I just learned recently that for the low low price of $1 I can either have the last of my dreams fulfilled or totally crushed. Somehow it cheapens it when the dream crushing costs less than a King Size Hershy bar. Happy freakin' Halloween.

the dark side

It was dark when I woke up this morning. It hasn't been dark when I've gotten up in a very long time. I was having flash backs of being in school. Totally not cool. Then, I went to a meeting. A meeting at 7 in the freakin' morning. Oh my God! Who meets that early! Evidently I do, because I'm planning on joining the particular organization. Don't get me wrong...they do a lot of good things for the community and it will be good for me professionally and for the place that I work. But SEVEN AM! Ugghhh.

and they say women are irrational.

Oh my god! We had our "talk." Sort of. But that's not what I'm amazed at. He actually got mad at me because I didn't get mad at him. Could someone please explain how that is supposed to be rational!

"this" is it......!

Okay. When the hell did "this" happen. "This" being the fact that one day I would wake up and I'm suddenly an adult!?!?!? No, I'm sorry, you must have me confused with someone else. Now if you'll excuse me I'd like to go back to playing with my dolls. No. Scratch that. Those years weren't all that fun either. I had a bedtime back then. But then there are days like this week that I would LOVE, I mean LUUUUUV to go back to being a little kid. But where am I you ask? Well, I'm a 30 year old who is only a few short months from being 31 (although the party line in my house is that I'm 26) sitting in her new office that is technically not "her" office for another 2 and 1/2 days because the current Executive Director is still here part time. Yes! I said Executive Director! What...When....WTF! I don't know anything about being in charge! Do you know what "being in charge" means? It means that whenever someone comes into your-but-not-really-your-office with a question that you are expected to have an answer. That and having to learn about boards of directors, staff evaluations (I have one person I may have/get to fire), portfolios and all the other multitudes of crap that comes with being "in charge". All while still using a craptackular version of windowsnotdoors 98. Whoohoo.

My day will end at home, where my husband is waiting "to talk." I don't know what the hell that means. Stay tuned kids.